Dan seberapa inginnya kah kamu meraih kehidupan sesempurna yang ada didalam pikiranmu?

Sudah bukan rahasia, bahwa katanya hidup itu bisa menyiksa tapi juga buat bahagia. Sudah rasa kah kamu dengan belenggunya? Bagaimana dengan dilematikanya? Wah, silahkan jalani, aku ingin tahu bagaimana kamu hadapi, sendiri. Ya, sendiri, dengan siapa lagi? Kamu lahir dan mati juga tak ditemani, begitu juga masa tengahnya yang harus kamu jalani.

Aku sudah. Memang belum seberapa, tetapi segini saja aku sudah gak kuasa. Bukan apa-apa, otak ku masih gak bisa terima, biasa ku atur hidupku ini seindahnya mimpi dalam benak. Sekarang, bahkan waktu untuk berimajinasi saja aku tak punya. Bagaimana bisa, aku wujudkan kehidupan sesempurna yang ada didalam pikiranku?

Jadi, harus bagaimana ya? Campakkan yang didepan mata, cari yang belum tentu ada? Haha, lucu ya cara kerjanya semesta. Selalu buat manusia bertanya. Argh! Aku masih bingung! Sampai akhir tulisan ini aku masih belum tahu harus apa. Huft, lagi-lagi bertanya.. yang jawab siapa? Siapa?

-F.

Happy 22'nd Birthday, Me!

I am looking forward to this! A free time to finally pouring my thoughts to this empty Ms Word file. Even now it’s 00.05 in the morning and I gotta go to work tomorrow but, yesterday is my special day and I don’t wanna miss the moment. Well, yesterday, 27 July 2016 is my 22’nd birthday, yes I’m getting older. But not that old tho. A lot of birthday greetings, a lot of wishes even mostly about that kind of ‘nyebar undangan’ things, but I really thankful for that. Especially for remembering my birthday. Thank you guys!

I’m that kind of person who really don’t want to grow up. I mean, what’s the point of growing up? Be a career freak person so you can turned to that boring friends who always can’t make it when the other friends invite you to their party? Hell no. I’m not turning into that. And also what’s exactly the indicators to make you called as a grown up woman? Tight skirt? Chiffon blouse? A straight tied hair? A glasses which can make you look like a sexy secretary? Or even a flat shoes? Trust me, I try all of that and still I come back as this messy-shirt holic-sneakers addict person. It’s just so not me for sure. So what can I do?

And then this happen in the night of my birthday day. Back then, after work I usually went to the gym with my longterm-lovable boyfriend. I change my clothes and jump in to the sauna room which reach 80 celcius hot that time. There’s only 1 person there and to avoid the conversation (I hate sauna room conversation so much) I put my towel on my head to cover my face and just sit there, enjoying every each drop of sweat falling down all around my body. And suddenly I can feel why Peterpan never want to grow up.

At that moment, as soon as I’m starting to think “wow, I’m turning 22 today!”, a thousands things get in to my head as an unsolved problems. It’s sucks. A millions of “what if” makes you re-think about everything you already do in your life. The feelings of getting a year older push me to think about what else have I done before today? Is that anything great from that? If it’s nothing, so make one big things then! You can’t waste your time Fo! It feels like there’s 20 peoples mocking you at the same time. Could you imagine that? I guess that’s what makes me sweating a little bit more rough that time.

Well, this kind of ‘feelings’ of being afraid, ashamed, confused, don’t know what to do, what to say, was the true feelings of being a grown up woman, I guess. So, I feel like I can and I want to stated something here. Maybe growing up isn’t indicates by performing like a sexy secretary, a week full of schedule, or even how fluent you talk to your client at work.

For me, growing up is the matter of ‘when’ and ‘how’. When you can answer all that silly “what if” question, and how you deal with it. For now, a lil bit ashamed to admit this but, I usually have a cry time on my birth date every year. It’s the moment when I feel like completely lost and don’t know what to do or say, and I will just sitting here, typing on my keyboard while thinking about what my life could be, and let the tears cry for help to God. Cause I’m not yet grown up. And I don’t know when I can answer those tricky question called life.

Happy Birthday, Me J

Hope you a better years ahead. Keep being strong, cause that’s 1 thing I know about you. Cheers!

First Thing First on 2016 (I got a job!)

Ulalaa.. My first post on 2016..

Well, i'm kinda a busy person now. LOL. and I already got a job mann, how cool is that!?

I'm working at a startup company called mamorae, which is an online marketing platform for everybody. So, yeah.. now you can got some additional money to pay your saturdate by being our buzzer, just go to www.mamorae.com and sign up as whoever you wanna be, buzzer or merchant.

Okay enough for the promo (i wonder if i got paid for this promo, lol), let's talk about life..

Gue gak tau apa yang terjadi, tapi semenjak masuk ke dunia kerja, semuanya tampak berubah. I'm not the most diligent and ambitious person but all i know is, i want to make more money and for that reason, i found myself drowning on a sea of freelance jobs. I never imagined that i could turn into this workaholic monsters. Yang gue tau, dari dulu sampai saat terakhir kuliah, gue berani melabeli diri gue sendiri sebagai anak malas (yang beruntung), hobi gue tidur, nonton starworld, dan dengerin lagu di hp, that's it. But now? Gue cuma mau komplain 1 hal sekarang, 24 jam sehari itu gak cukup buat melakukan semua pekerjaan gue. Gile. Rajin. Banget. Parah.

Gak bermaksud buat memuji diri sendiri, tapi kenyataannya memang begitu. Gue cuma lagi heran aja. Heran sama diri gue sendiri yang katanya pernah janji untuk gak akan meninggalkan gaya hidup masa muda yang hype dan edgy banget itu. Faktanya, gue malah turning into this good-but-bad-monster. 

Sebagai catatan, pekerjaan gue sekarang bisa dibilang merupakan pekerjaan idaman hampir semua orang. Waktu kerja fleksibel, atasan yang asik, outfit sehari-hari nyantai, perfect. Plus i got a job that suits my education background. But, yeaa... i ruined it (again). Why?

Gue sekantor sama pacar gue, ketakutan semua pasangan untuk kasus seperti ini ternyata bukan bualan belaka, tapi yang ini sebaliknya.. Bukan masalah hubungan yang kebawa-bawa ke urusan kantor, tapi masalah di kantor yang menggerus hubungan gue. Etos kerja, perbedaan pandangan, de el el yang membuat gue sering berdebat, mau gak mau ya memang mempengaruhi, sekuat apapun gue coba untuk memisahkan.

Well, i can't do anything now, i'm the one who brought him to this position. And i'm feeling a deep dilemma where i have choose between my carreer or love. Gue merasa bodoh ketika harus mengalah dan memilih untuk keluar dari pekerjaan gue sekarang demi mempertahankan pasangan tetap berada di zona nyaman nya. 

Ya tapi bukannya cinta itu memang bikin bodoh ya?

To be continued...

How I Met My Lover

“Dan pada akhirnya, gue cuma pengen menjalani hidup bahagia seperti yang sudah tergambar di pikiran gue. Hidup tenang dan bahagia meskipun kadang dikejar deadline sebagai wanita karir Jakarta yang sukses. Gue bakal kerja di sebuah perusahaan property swasta di kawasan Sudirman sebagai marketing planner manager dengan gaji dollar yang kalau di rupiahin sekitar 65 juta sebulan dan belum termasuk tunjangan2 lain serta uang lembur. Gue bakal tinggal di kosan lucu di kawasan menteng yang kebetulan deket kantor, gue bakal bawa kucing gue si cotton dan gue bakal beliin temen buat dia. Gue juga bakalan suka nongkrong di cafe-cafe elite yang berkaca-kaca gitu sambil ngerjain kerjaan kantor di macbook sekalian belanja online sambil ditemenin chocolate cake yang enak banget sama milk frappuchino. Walaupun transportasi gue bakalan masih make Nissan Juke yang udah dibeliin dari tahun 2014 ini, tapi liat 10 tahun lagi gue bakal bawa Lamborghini!

Dan mau tau bagian terbaiknya?

Ngejalanin itu semua sama lo. Lo yang bakal ngisi kursi kosong disebelah gue waktu di cafe. Lo yang bakal duduk di kursi supir di mobil gue. Lo yang bakal sering banget main-main bahkan nginep di kosan lucu gue. Lo yang selalu jemput gue buat satnite di grand indonesia. Ya, kamu. Kamu yang harus ada di cerita aku supaya cerita aku komplit, ga ada yang kurang lagi. Karna script hidup aku ini ga akan terwujud jadi film, kalau kamu belum masuk kedalamnya dan bilang action! wahai bapak sutradara :)”

Well, akan aku jelaskan dulu sebelumnya supaya tidak ada kesalahpahaman lagi diantara kita. Tulisan di atas merupakan cerita, hmm, nope, impian, ya impian aku. Impian yang waktu itu aku tuangkan dalam sebaik-baiknya kata yang bisa aku rangkai. Ga ada kebohongan saat aku menulis itu, bahkan jeda mikir pun kayaknya ga ada. It’s all pure from my mind. Gak ada yang aku rubah sedikitpun dari tulisan tentang harapan dan impian aku itu, dari handphone langsung aku pindahin ke laptop pake kabel usb.

Hanya saja, sekarang aku mau mengubah sebagian tulisan tentang impian aku itu. And i guess you know which part im gonna fix.

Bapak sutradara. Yap, tulisan itu aku buat di saat aku pikir aku sudah menemukan seseorang yang bakal aku adore selama-lamanya. A man that i thought could be the one for me. And guess what, he’s not. Dari semua cowo-cowo yang pernah aku taksir, bapak sutradara inilah yang mungkin paling berkesan. Dan paling membekas di hati *eciieee*. But, in the end, fakta berkata lain. Bapak sutradara ini sekarang sudah punya asisten pribadi, bahkan foto-foto profile picture nya aja kadang lebih mesra dari kita. Disitu kadang saya merasa sedih.. but, i moved on, so, yeah, whatever.

Selain objek bapak sutradara ini mungkin hal lain yang bakal aku ganti adalah jabatan aku. Karena belum lama ini aku tahu bahwa manager itu jaman sekarang udah bukan menjadi jabatan bergengsi lagi. So im gonna change it to GENERAL MANAGER. Amin. Dan pastinya gajinya juga naik jadi 85 juta/bulan. Kebayang sih dengan gaji sebulan aja aku udah bisa lengkapin semua warna dari sepatu adidas edisi pharell williams, aku bisa bikin walking closet aku sendiri, aku bisa modif mobil, dan ga perlu kuatir dengan masalah mengurus kucing kalau perlu aku bakal beli kucing selusin lagi. Tapi bukan itu intinya.

Ini intinya.. the story of “How i met my lover”

Before i met you, im just a kid. Aku menertawakan temen aku yang katanya mau pacaran dengan komitmen, i think it just for old people. Aku ga suka dan bahkan ga mau berhubungan sama anak-anak, bahkan kepikiran sama aku buat menunda punya anak nanti kalau udah married. I fell in love with many guys, like much, many guys. And it all happens when i have a boyfriend. Until this happen, i met you.

Aku tau kamu mungkin udah ga bisa percaya banget sama aku, tapi kali ini di tulisan ini aku bakal tulis yang sejujur-jujurnya. Trust me, because for a writer, their writes was a holy grail. And im not crossing my finger now -_- 10 of my fingers are on my keyboard now, i can’t crossed it.

Yang perlu kamu tahu, beberapa minggu sebelumnya, hari dimana aku mama dan adek aku harus keliling senayan city 7 jam sambil nungguin papa aku, i did something on that day. I try luck on my charm. Just like Lily Aldrin on HIMYM, aku mencoba peruntungan aku (setelah sekian lama) dalam hal menarik perhatian lelaki. Aku sengaja membiarkan mama dan adek aku berjalan kemanapun mereka mau dan aku berdalih untuk menunggu mereka di bangku-bangku yang udah tersedia, pengen tau apakah masih ada cowo gentle jaman sekarang yang berani ngajak kenalan langsung ditengah-tengah mall. Dan apakah aku masih cukup menarik buat para lelaki. And guess what ? i don’t know what exactly happen, aku sempet berpikir apakah lagi ada lomba bayi merangkak se-jakarta selatan atau gimana, tapi aku liat ke lobby tengah ga ada panggung apa-apa. Tapi kenapa, isi mall ini bayi semua. Dan anehnya semua bayi dan balita ini ngerubung aku di kanan kiri, bahkan kalo bisa di atas bawah juga. Jadi, kemana cowo-cowo yang aku expect buat berdatangan? Mungkin lagi pada tidur.

So, hari minggu lalu, setelah kamu jalan pulang ke Nangor, aku pergi lagi seperti biasa bersama keluarga terlalu bahagia ku, ke senayan city (again), yap one of our favorite place. Keadaan udah berbeda. Ga terlalu banyak bayi lagi, walaupun masih ada beberapa yang kadang bikin kaget nabrak kaki aku pas lagi jalan. Untungnya aku ga reflek nendang balik. But, hari itu aku merasa melihat banyak keluarga kecil setengah baya yang jalan-jalan sama anaknya yang lucu. And suddenly, i think, being a mom is not that bad. Actually whatever title you have, you still can be awesome.

Aku mulai ga setuju dan cenderung kesal ketika ada temen aku yang bilang, ngapain married cepet-cepet, have fun dulu aja kali. SO, MENURUT LO KALO UDAH MARRIED ITU GABISA HAVE FUN ? ELO SALAH BESAR BRO! Yap, aku bakal ngomong kayak gitu mulai sekarang sama semua orang yang berpikiran aneh kayak gitu. Aku bakal bicara persis seperti itu bahkan kalo ngomong bisa pake caps lock juga aku pake.

Mungkin mereka belom melihat atau mungkin belom dikasih liat sama Tuhan betapa indahnya menjalani hidup bersama dengan orang yang mereka sayang. Aku beruntungnya sudah bisa membayangkan bagaimana bersyukurnya ketika di pagi hari yang terlihat pertama kali saat aku buka mata itu adalah seseorang yang dulu pernah aku kejar, pernah aku berantemin karna masalah kecil, pernah mati-matian aku pertahanin dari apapun itu, pernah satu kelas perencanaan komunikasi bareng di kampus, dan ketika saat itu tiba, setiap pagi, aku bakal tersenyum menyadari bahwa kamu sudah menjadi milik aku sepenuhnya. Mengelus dan mencium pipi kamu sebelum bangkit dari tempat tidur king size kita itu wajib hukumnya buat aku. Gak lupa berbisik, “good morning baby..wake up..” sebelum akhirnya aku beranjak turun buat menyibak gorden kamar apartemen model minimalis biaya maksimalis kita. Ya, i will wake up earlier than you, cause thats what a wife do.

Then, i’ll go to the clean kitchen with my lingerie on (yap our apartment have a clean and dirty kitchen and yes i cooked with a lingerie), to make scramble egg and sandwich which i serve with chocolate flavour low-fat milk for our breakfast. While i serve it, you will suddenly appear from nowhere and hug me from my back and said “morning honey.. how’s your sleep tonight?” then you kissed me like you’re searching for the answer on my lips, and you know im okay just by looking through my eyes. How sweet.

I’ll tell you to take a bath first and i will follow right after i’ve done with our breakfast. And we do it on the bathroom, you know what i mean. Our cupboard is big, but still a lot of empty space cause we just married and moved here for about 6 months. Kamu bantu aku pakai blouse satin aku, aku bantu kamu pakai dasi. Just like the movie. And then we headed to the dining room and eat the breakfast i already served. And then at 9.00 AM we go to our office together cause our building was side by side to each other, what a coincidence. Sometimes we take lunch together at the nearest mall, our favorite was pepper lunch! At the afternoon, we go home together again, you pick me up or i’ll pop up on your office to shock you. We barely have dinner outside on weekdays, cause when i feel too tired to cook, you will do it. Well, in the other hand we have to save much money for our soon-to-be-born baby. Yes, im pregnant and it’s 4 months old.

Dan itulah sepenggal cerita harapan aku bersama kamu. Indah bukan? Kalau ada yang bilang ga indah, aku ragu orang itu waras apa enggak. Well, beb, just so you know, i have this vision for us, a vision that i never had before. I am a grown up woman now, i know what i want. Tinggal apakah kamu memutuskan buat membantu aku mewujudkan ini atau tidak. 

Are you gonna let this perfect story broke or are you gonna make it happen?  Im sorry if i ever let you down, but the truth is, everybody gonna hurt you, you just need to find the one who worth suffering for. Am i the one that worth? Cause you are, baby. You’re the one who worth my suffer. That’s why im still here by your side, said i never give up even my heart fall apart seeing you like that.

Are you willing to be my partner for a lifetime. My partner to take care of my beautiful childrens, drop them to their school, take them to the park at weekend, or teach them how to live. And also be my perfect husband, the one who stays with me till the death separate us. Apakah kita akan jadi keluarga kecil setengah baya dengan anak-anak lucu yang setiap weekend bersantai bersama ke mall? Apakah kamu bakal jadi suami yang menemani aku ke toko obat century buat beli vitamin anak-anak kita? Dan ini nih yang paling jelas bayangannya di pikiran aku, apakah kita bisa jadi keluarga bahagia yang belanja bareng ke supermarket food hall, dengan Enzo yang lari sana sini nyari lorong permen dan biskuit, sambil aku minta tolong kamu buat liatin dia karena aku lagi sibuk milih wortel? Bisa, sayang?

So, inilah cerita baru impian hidup aku ke depan. Bisa kamu bandingkan dengan cerita yang awal, impian yang masih kental dengan ego aku sendiri. Impian aku yang sekarang berubah jauh, ya itu karena kamu.

Once again im sorry if i ever let you down. Honestly, aku udah gatau harus ngomong apa lagi, aku hanya akan jawab pertanyaan kamu aja mulai sekarang kalau kamu belum yakin. Melalui tulisan ini aku harap kamu tau betapa besarnya penyesalan aku dan kenapa aku kukuh banget pengen terus sama kamu. Karena impian ini sudah terasa begitu nyata, serasa sudah di depan mata. Can we just move along with our life and try to make this come true? Okay, aku selesai menulis ini sekitar jam 4 pagi dan aku bahkan belum menyentuh revisian aku, dan kamu masih ngira ini cuma tulisan karangan menye-menye belaka? Think again baby, read it from the start again.

I love you, Gils♥

Regards,

♥F.Z.Z♥

Your Halley Comet

An Aurora Borealis Trip Partner Just For You

Made and Burried

And when you finally know that love is just not that good. When someone left you in a moment where everything could be so blurred. And suddenly there's no single word that can describe what you really wanna say. You shut up. It's not a give up moment, not even a relents. It's the point when someone realized that she's just not meant to be there anymore. 

It is always been an immortal dilemma. When you realized you're not meant to be but you still think that he's worthed. The question is "is he really worthed?". One day he treated you like a queen, full of love, patient, touch, kiss, and you're overwhelmed. And the next day he treated you like some other girl that he just known for about 6 months. This is impossible to be think about.

Everytime he started to talk about his feeling, i feel a bad things will happen. There's always a strong selfish aura that someday i just can't handle anymore. And i didn't know when exactly that day would come, or is that day come too late? And once again, when you finally know that love is just not that good? And when you know, will you do something? Do you willing to release them? The one who made and burried your life alive.

A Break Up Letter

Hey, i love you. Sorry for being so selfish and annoying. I know you never mean to hurt anybody's heart, including me. It's not really your fault to be that complicated, i give up try to knowing what's going on in your head, it's way too hard. Im sorry i can't be the one to help you make up your mind to be better. But trust me, i've tried, and it just doesn't work well. 

I wanna thank you for all you have did to me. All that you sacrifice for me. Your precious time, your energy, your private life, your feelings. Thanks for taking care of me, cooked for me, teach me everything about car, its way too precious. You're the best thing i've ever had, thats for sure. But like people say, sometimes the best thing was just only can be seen not to be owned. I know if i owned you, its like hugging a sun, so proud but hurt much. Im just a 20 years old girl, you're right, don't ever expect something from me, i am a dissapointment. Now that i know i only can say i love you undirectly, cause if i do it in front of you, im afraid i can't control my emotion. Its because, yea you know, i still love you but i love myself too.

Just so you know, the main reason to this break up is not because i don't love you anymore. I can't be your dream girl, i usually pushed you to my wish, i beg anything to you, sometimes im jealous of your ex, i checked your phone. I can't delete it all, not all, its me. Im sorry. And so do you, you can't change. I think thats more than enough to explain the reason. I don't know why, i was so attached to you. Its hard for me to be alone again. But just like you always say, if it doesn't work, why pushed it ? 

So here we are, back again to the start point. Im wishing the best for you, always. 

Thank you and i love you, too much :)