Happy 22'nd Birthday, Me!

I am looking forward to this! A free time to finally pouring my thoughts to this empty Ms Word file. Even now it’s 00.05 in the morning and I gotta go to work tomorrow but, yesterday is my special day and I don’t wanna miss the moment. Well, yesterday, 27 July 2016 is my 22’nd birthday, yes I’m getting older. But not that old tho. A lot of birthday greetings, a lot of wishes even mostly about that kind of ‘nyebar undangan’ things, but I really thankful for that. Especially for remembering my birthday. Thank you guys!

I’m that kind of person who really don’t want to grow up. I mean, what’s the point of growing up? Be a career freak person so you can turned to that boring friends who always can’t make it when the other friends invite you to their party? Hell no. I’m not turning into that. And also what’s exactly the indicators to make you called as a grown up woman? Tight skirt? Chiffon blouse? A straight tied hair? A glasses which can make you look like a sexy secretary? Or even a flat shoes? Trust me, I try all of that and still I come back as this messy-shirt holic-sneakers addict person. It’s just so not me for sure. So what can I do?

And then this happen in the night of my birthday day. Back then, after work I usually went to the gym with my longterm-lovable boyfriend. I change my clothes and jump in to the sauna room which reach 80 celcius hot that time. There’s only 1 person there and to avoid the conversation (I hate sauna room conversation so much) I put my towel on my head to cover my face and just sit there, enjoying every each drop of sweat falling down all around my body. And suddenly I can feel why Peterpan never want to grow up.

At that moment, as soon as I’m starting to think “wow, I’m turning 22 today!”, a thousands things get in to my head as an unsolved problems. It’s sucks. A millions of “what if” makes you re-think about everything you already do in your life. The feelings of getting a year older push me to think about what else have I done before today? Is that anything great from that? If it’s nothing, so make one big things then! You can’t waste your time Fo! It feels like there’s 20 peoples mocking you at the same time. Could you imagine that? I guess that’s what makes me sweating a little bit more rough that time.

Well, this kind of ‘feelings’ of being afraid, ashamed, confused, don’t know what to do, what to say, was the true feelings of being a grown up woman, I guess. So, I feel like I can and I want to stated something here. Maybe growing up isn’t indicates by performing like a sexy secretary, a week full of schedule, or even how fluent you talk to your client at work.

For me, growing up is the matter of ‘when’ and ‘how’. When you can answer all that silly “what if” question, and how you deal with it. For now, a lil bit ashamed to admit this but, I usually have a cry time on my birth date every year. It’s the moment when I feel like completely lost and don’t know what to do or say, and I will just sitting here, typing on my keyboard while thinking about what my life could be, and let the tears cry for help to God. Cause I’m not yet grown up. And I don’t know when I can answer those tricky question called life.

Happy Birthday, Me J

Hope you a better years ahead. Keep being strong, cause that’s 1 thing I know about you. Cheers!